I'm pregnant with baby number two! we found out March 20th and to be totally honest, I cried, this was not planned and I felt totally overwhelmed and scared to have two 18 months apart! I was scared to tell Marcus, I was scared to tell anyone in our ward in fear they'd just judge me. Cavin is a great baby but he keeps my hands full and he can be a little wild child. He doesn't have much chil relax in him it's go go go always and I just thought oh boy!! He wasn't sleeping well at all at night when we found out so I was just a mess in tears. Finally Marcus could tell something was up and I couldn't say the words I just cried. He figured it out and was shocked as well, which made it worse because he didn't seem excited at all. Well the days went on and I started to get real sick and tired so I wanted to cry even more, I just kept thinking I didn't sign up for this, I didn't try to get pregnant, but I am and I feel horrible.....
I went to my foot zoner teacher out of total fear and said I need help! She told me somethings to do for the morning sickness, so I took a ton of B12 and sucked on pregnancy pops, it seemed to help with the nausea and over all yucky feelings, but the best part of the visit was helping me except this pregnancy, it really was more of a fear of the morning sickness and what others would think of me, I hate feeling like people are talking behind my back and I knew they would having babies so close that's just the way our ward is, sad to say.
After I left I got that feeling from our Heavenly Father that I truly needed telling me, "Jessica this is my plan, and I know what's best." That was all I needed to know, I know I'm a great mom and I know I want a big family, I know I'll love this baby just as much as I love Cavin and it'll be an amazing experience, the babies close together wasn't my real fear it was the pregnancy and feeling yucky again. I know Cavin will love being a big brother and do a great job at it! I know Marcus will be am amazing father and husband and help and support our family. I know I will be a great mom and love two just as much. I know I'll be able to handle two kids, it won't always be easy, but I know Heavenly Father wouldn't give me this huge blessing if I couldn't handle it!
At about 8 weeks and a couple days I was feeling horrible, I couldn't handle move and really didn't have the energy to do anything. I called Marcus and asked him to come home as soon as he could to help with Cavin. He came home early which I felt bad about but really needed him. the next couple days I felt really crampy but fine besides that. the past 2 weeks I haven't felt anything. I haven't felt pregnant at all no morning sickness not really tired like I was, smells didn't bother me like before. this is really scary to me because I was so sick and yucky feeling then nothing. With Cavin I was sick for months not just 2 weeks. Maybe everything is okay and fine but I just don't really feel it is, It is too early to feel the baby move it is too early to really be putting on weight (knowing the baby is growing) I'm not sick knowing the baby is growing, so I just feel like there is no sign he's okay, and maybe that's not a sign at all my I'm scared everything is not okay. I called the Dr to get in today because my first apt isn't for 3 more weeks, we wanted to wait til after Marcus took the Mcat, but I can't wait, I need to know, either way, things are fine or not, I just have to know. so I go in, this afternoon and I can't stop thinking what the dr will say, I keep getting scared to hear the words I don't want to hear, there's no heart beat, but I'm almost expecting that more then everything is fine. I can't tell if it's just a over worried mom or if it's my gut telling me something wrong.
I don't know what a mis-carriage really feels like but I'm starting to really have all the emotions that come with it. I know we can get pregnant again I know everything will be fine, but I'm sad to think I could have lost this baby, just when I got so excited for him to be in our family.
I wait this baby to know I love it, no matter if I don't get to hold you in this life, I will in the next life, I will always be it's mom and that love is strong and true. I know no matter what I'll get to hold my baby and love it.
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