Being Balanced

Yesterday in RS we had this great lesson on Pride and the opposite on being too discouraged.  I feel like this is my life most the time.  so here we go...
In high school  I always struggled with self worth and figuring out who I was, who I wanted to be didn't seem to fit in with most my friends.  I never felt I had a great friend in high school I had friends, but it was high school and I always seemed to be stuck in drama that I didn't want to be in.  Mainly because I didn't know who I was and I was trying to be someone I wasn't!
I went out to Philadelphia right after high school and meant some great people and I remember my FIRST Sunday walking into the student ward thinking wow this is UTAH anymore.  I remember sitting in church sitting by someone I had never meet before and I thought this is my chance, no one knows me and I can be anyone I want to be!  Not waiting to live a lie anymore.  I  felt a great freedom!  I decided then and there I didn't want to be shy and to myself I didn't want to go along with what people told me to do but what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be.  I formed great friendships in PA and loved my time there, I was good at nanny-ing and I loved it. I loved the boys and even though there where hard days I had fun playing games and loving those kids.   I had confidence and I really straightened my testimony because at times that's all I had, I didn't have family there to lean on but always on my Heavenly Father.
Before I left on my mission I had this thought I'll be the greatest missionaries and this and that, I got there and wasn't I had hard times and trails.  All things I needed, to be better a better missionary a better person.  At the time I felt I was a failure because I wasn't the BEST, but I know I was a good missionary and did what I was there to do.  I had a great mission president who taught me so many things and helped me see that by just being there and loving the people I was doing enough and I was good enough.
When I got home I wanted to be the BEST wife and I thought that meant always having and clean home, dishes done, laundry done, dinner on the table, and do it all with a smile after working all day and providing for our family.  Well that lasted about a month.....  MAYBE!!  I felt like a failure again because I set this bar for myself that I couldn't reach, I started to compare myself to those around me and felt even worse because on the outside looking in  I think we only see that best of everyone when we think we can't do anything right.  I think on my mom always had everything under control and to me it seemed she never had a off day or a bad day.  I see girls in my ward and I think they are beautiful and talented.  I want to be like them.  I think we all look at our trails and think they are too hard I'd rather have there life.
I saw this blog of a LDS mom and she talked about what is truly important, and I just thought about it.  I have thought a lot the past two days,  I'll NEVER be perfect in this life.  I just won't. so WHAT'S TRULY important?  does it matter if my house is 100% clean all the time, or a beautiful meal is always on the table?
With this baby coming in just 3 months, I decided I need to find BALANCE!!  I have dreamed and dreamed about being the worlds best MOM, but what does that really mean?  I have already set all these goals and standards for myself but not really all possible.  I can already see that I'm setting my standard too high and when I don't meet them I know I'll feel like a failure again.  I have been thinking what makes a great mom and what I need to do and what's not that important.
I want to focus more on being grateful for the blessing and talents the Lord has blessed me with and not get discourage on my weaknesses.   Yes there are girls and mom's that are better at somethings then me and yes, Heavenly Father has blessed me with talents and skills, so I want to do my best and always strive to be a better person, wife, and mother everyday but don't get discouraged when I fell short.
I talked with my sweet sweet sister in Law yesterday about being a mom and she had some great things to say that helped me remember what's really important!!!
THE MOST IMPORTANT number one number things for me right now I think is to have a strong testimony of my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  I want to always be close to my heavenly father I want my kids to know I have a testimony and I want my kids to have a strong testimony also.  That is what is most important.  I may not be a prefect mom but truly I think if my kids always know I have a testimony and know that is important to me, that is more important then cooking and cleaning.

Growing pains

The big news this week is Jamarcus is growing!!! He us growing so fast my tummy just aches I feel like I'm going to explode! My skin feels like it's going to tear right by my belly button, it gets really tight and hurts it's so tight. The sign I know he's getting big is this week his kicks are starting to hurt a little, I'm not abusing my baby but sometimes I push where he kicks and he kicks back even harder!! Wow baby give your momma a break!! My belly is starting to look and feel like a basketball. Last I was laying on my belly and it was he first time it really hurt so I guess no more of that! Sleeping is a chore and not relaxing anymore, sometimes I wake up and see Marcus sleeping like a baby and I want to wake him up cause it just doesn't seem right!! Jealously!! A week and a half and I'll be in the 3rd trimester! I'm kind of excited to hold my baby in my arms!! Being pregnant isn't bad and I do love parts of it but I'm starting to feel the weight. I think with the added fears of I'm going to be a mom for the rest of my life, is starting to set in! There are lots of parts I'm so excited and happy about but there is a fear of being a great mom and being a cool fun mom!! I want to be the best and that's a lot of pressure. I am really excited probably 95 excited and 5 a little nervous. Baby I love you!! 95 days til I meet you!

26 weeks!

wow I can't believe I'm writing my 26 week entry!  In just two weeks I'll be in the 3rd and last trimester!!  I'm so excited and happy.  Pregnancy is great! I love my baby and I really love my husband.  I have always loved Marcus so much but carrying our baby I have seen a different side of him and we really have grown and added a new level of love to our relationship.  I know Marcus will never leave me, I know we aren't death til we part. I know we are together for eternity and I know I will never fall out of love with him but more and more in LOVE! I hope and pray our son is just like him because there can't be a better man alive!
I love our baby I love to feel him move.  I love when he moves when I talk to him.  I love when Marcus puts his hand on my belly and I feel a peace over me.  Like all three of us are connected like we're one family! I just love that feeling.
I can't wait to go camping and take him on family vacations. I can't wait to sing and dance together as a family. I can't wait to jump on Marcus in bed on his first father's day so we can tell him we love him and he's the best dad in the world!
I have so many dreams for our family!  I'm soo happy and excited!!  I love him so much!

Great valentines weekend

This weekend was such a blast!!  Friday night we had our stake valentines dance and dinner, which was so much fun!   It's always fun to go out on dates with my cute husband.  That night we got a Red box movie which I have to say was a really good movie!  We got courageous, it was a little cheesy, but such a good good message!  It's about being a good dad, and I liked it too because it made me think of the Family Proclamation, and how we as parents have a large role in our kids life!  It was a good movie!
Saturday we had fun at the gym and Marcus breaking treadmills!! haha  he is so funny.  He was trying to run fast and spirit on the treadmill but it was over-heating and would just stop, but he got kind of mad in a Marcus way, I had to giggle!
That afternoon I got some sewing done while Marcus got some homework done.  Then we made Heart sharped pizza!  We hang out and played with the Hart kids then with Troy it was so fun.
Sunday was a fun day too!  we went to church and had a great time, I love our ward, I love getting to know all the new people and I love feeling I have good friends at church.  That afternoon we had a little valentines dinner and played Games it was a blast! I laughed all night!
Baby JaMarcus is doing great!  He is growing and still kicking like crazy!  I just really love love him!  I can't wait to hold him but lately even more I'm excited to see Marcus hold him and fall in love with him.  I can only imagine how special that moment will be for him.  I know it'll be love at first sight!  I can't believe it's just 104 days and we'll see him!!

Baby list needs and wants!

What I need for a NEW BABY

Room

Crib

Mattress

rocker

dresser

lamp

 Bath

little tub

Wash Clothes
hooded towels

Soap

lotion

bath toys

nail clippers

Nasal aspirator 

Feeding

Burp clothes 

boppy

bibs

utter cover

bottles 

spoons

bowl

pump

bags for milk

Bed

mobile/music

Blankets

water proof pad

sheets

baby monitor

Car

carseat

stroller

mirror 

carseat cover

carseat mat

Diaper

changing pad

cover

diapers

wipes

cream

dirty diaper pail 

diaper bag

Clothes 

onesies 

pj's

hat 

socks

newborn mittens

outfits

landry hamper

Other

tylenol

sunscreen

baby toys

books

thermometer

vaporizer

baby book

bumbo

play mat

Me 

nursing pads

nursing bra

nipple cream

the orange is what I have so far!!

my little swimmer

25 weeks

I've been teaching swim lessons to a couple of cute little girls.  well I went this weekend and little JaMarcus loved it he was swimming again in my belly he was going crazy!!  kicking and moving.  Then I got out and got ready and he must have turned a new way cause my belly popped out!!  he felt really big all night, then the next day he wasn't quite as big, but still bigger then normal!  I'm glad he is growing and happy!!
This Morning I was doing a little work out before I went to work and I felt my belly after my shower and put on lotion and I felt JaMarcus!!  okay not just a little kick or even a big kick, I felt him!! I could feel this hard thing on my lower left side and I thought what is that?  Then He moved it!  I'm not sure if it was his leg or arm but that's what it felt like and it was sooo crazy!! it's a real baby in there!!  that just totally made my Monday morning!!  he's so sweat and I love him so much already!
I really love being pregnant!! I love it so much!! I love feeling him and seeing my body grow to fit this little HUMAN in me!!  I'm just so happy!

the crib bedding is coming along, I have a lot more to do but I'm liking his room so far!!

Great Sunday

Today was a great day,  This morning for day 5 of Marcus' of 14 days of Valentines I made him breakfast in bed with heart shaped pancakes.  Then we went to church and it was such a great great day!! We had two baby blessing and I'm so excited to have a baby but I'm even more excited to have a baby in the church!!  I'm so grateful for the church.   It was so fun to watch these two babies and their dad use their priesthood.  I just keep thinking in a few more months we'll be blessing our little boy.  I just kept trying to think what we'll name our boy and where he'll be baptized and where he'll go on a mission.  I can't wait!!!  I just felt so happy and great in church.
Then we where singing and JaMarcus kicked me so hard it took my breath away I couldn't believe it.  He kicked me all through church it makes me so happy!  I just feel like when he kicks me he is talking to me! I love him.
I was thinking a little durning church about my prayers and how I take praying for granted.  I was thinking if I had the chance to talk in person to the prophet I would think of what I really want to say and I might be a little nervous.  I pray every day and sometimes it's just a prayer but really I need to treat it what it really is,  talking to my Heavenly Father.  He is bigger then the prophet.
I love my life though!!  I love the baby I love my husband I love the church I love my family.  I can't believe life is coming and changing sooo much I'm soooooooo excited for this summer!  

week 24

wow I'm really pregnant!!  I am starting to feel that big feeling,  I kind of feel like in a dream how it feels weird to work like your feet are stuck, I feel my stomach is really tight and it's hard to reach my toes.  I know I'm not that big yet but it's just a new feeling for me.  I'm up 11 lbs!!  it's crazy I had a little break down but I'm feeling pretty good now, I have stopped weighting in everyday!! that helps.   I have just committed myself to lose it all when he is born!!  I feel good too cause I'm swimming and jogging a few times a week not everyday but at least 4 times so I feel healthy still and not fat!
Little JaMarcus is still kicking me like crazy and moving a lot.  It's just one of the greatest feelings that everyone told me was great but I just couldn't imagine it this great!!  There is a peace that comes with it because I know he's alive and growing, as his kicks get stronger I know he's going to be chubby like me!!  I can start to feel his personality.  when I lay on my Right side facing Marcus talking to him, he kicks a lot and I think he's taking Marcus' side and they'll be best friends!
Marcus wants to name him crazy things still!!!  haha his new name is Vachenzo.... WHAT??  he really likes it!  how funny. So needless to say we haven't picked a name for him yet, my guess is the day he arrives we decide on something!!
At my doctors apt today everything went really good!
Lately I'm just so excited to be a mom I can't wait!  I can't wait to hold him and talk to him!!  I have decided JaMarcus is going to be a world class swimmer!!  he pushes off one side and hits the other, he is swimming  in my belly!!  I love love it!  I can't believe he is getting so big and strong! 
I had a small accident last night, I slipped down the stairs, I have a few bruises and a little sore, but I'm glad I didn't fall forward but I realized more I need to be careful cause my belly is making me a little off balance.