Today has been an emtional day, I feel fine normal pregnant big and achy, but really good compared to how I felt with Cavin!! I don't know why I do this even though Cavin was late I keep hoping she'll come sooner, I just want to have my body and energy back!! I want to be the mom to Cavin that I know I am when I'm not huge and uncomfortable. I can't get as much done as I normally can, because I get so tired and feel yucky if I do too much.
I'm ready to hold my baby girl to cuddle her and love her! I want to see what she looks like, I want to smell that baby sweat smell, I want to kiss her little toes! I want to sleep and not wake up all night because I'm tossing and turning. At least when you wake up to feed you can go back to sleep!
I'm anxious to know when and how she's going to come! I'm anxious to see how everything goes with Cavin! I know he's going to love his little sister!
Stella is still super high and killing my ribs, I just started getting achy in my hips but mainly because I'm so heavy it hurts to stand, even to shower and brush my teeth is too long, I sound like an old grandma. She doesn't move a lot durning the day just right before I go to bed and about 3 Am!
I just went to the doctor she Stella is breech, I was pretty mad because the doctor was full and so I had to see the PA and he had no answers he didn't even listen to her heart beat so I wanted a whole week(long time for a pregnant girl) to only hear bad news with no answers.
So I know not many people actually read my blog so I need to vent! I hate this I am so upset about the whole thing, I want my baby in my arms safe and healthy. I am so jealous and mad at those girls who have these easy great pregnancies, I feel like everyone does it better then me, I've dreamed of having a big family my whole life, there is nothing I want more! To be honest havin two kids 18 months apart I'm not even worried about it, I think I'll handle it great and we'll have a blast! The part I hate the most is pregnancy!!! With Cavin I was so sick and hurt a lot all the time, with Stella over all I've felt good up until about 35 weeks I just feel like I'm on that ride at a park that makes you feel so heavy you can't move, I hate not being able to be the BEST mom I know I can be, I love to run and chase Cavin. Cavin loves his bike and I just want to ride with him but I can't. I can't get down and really play. Then I find out Stella is breech it makes me feel like I did even more wrong, I didn't exercise enough or sleep right or whatever, I know people will say it's not my fault but I just don't understand why I can't have an easy smooth pregnancy. I want such a good thing, big happy family, but I really am starting to think I can't do this anymore, I get so emotional and feel so down, I seriously feel so depressed today and just want to cry all day, I hate the way I look feel and how I act, I just want to be happy healthy and strong and I don't feel any of that right now! I just want this baby to flip and come out!! I want to feel healthy and happy again I just want want to play with Cavin and Stella and be the mom and wife I was born to be!
I am grateful and excited to have a baby and I know two weeks isn't that long but it feels like forever when you feel so yucky and depressed , I wish I could just snap my fingers and feel better but to be honest I don't know if I've ever been this emotionally upset and sad. I don't even know what I need to feel better I honestly feel so lost and scared, I know Stella is healthy and I know cavin is going to be just fine if I can't play with him like he wants all the time but I'm scared that I feel so lost and alone. I feel like a horrible wife because all I do is cry and complain. But I just can't get out of this feeling. I love my amazing husband so much and wish I was a better wife for him.
I'm just ready to not be pregnant anymore! I'm grateful I can get pregnant and I'm grateful I have a healthy baby!
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