So I have wanted to write down some of my feelings, for a few reasons, I want to keep track of this stage in my life, and I feel like I'm keeping a secert that I need to let out, as of right now this is only for me, but maybe someday I'll make it open for my friends.
So I guess I'll start from the beginning, Since I went on Birth control, I hated it! I mean, it was hard enough to be married and have to learn how to be a good wife and best friend! I love Marcus so much, but it was different to come home from work and have to cook and take care of someone else too, it was a new feeling to worry about someone so much and hope they are happy. The birth control made me feel like a failure all the time, I felt heavy and depressed from it, I really didn't like it.
Marcus and I had many talks, I changed BC a few times and still the same thing. Finally I had a break down and I didn't ask Marcus but I said, "I'm done with birth control!" Marcus said ok.... He knew I had made up my mind, so he supported me, for a couple months we used protection, but after a few months, I just keep thinking, I'm 26 and I really want a baby, why am I stopping it?? I kept thinking of other people, oh people will think we're crazy to have a baby right away, or I thought, we can't afford it... Then I kept thinking back to my mission and making that decision, same thing, I thought what others would think. Then I thought that is so worldly, I KNOW Heavenly Father, is excited to give us a family, in my Blessing it talks a lot about my kids and family and that is my purpose to bring kids into this world.
That night I talked to Marcus, I LOVE Marcus!! He always says yes to whatever I say, but I could tell he wasn't as ready as me, we talked more and how I'd be pregnant for at least 9 months so it wasn't like we'd decide then tomorrow have a baby. We both felt good about it and looked at the calender and thought, summer of 2012 would be prefect cause Marcus could work and he wouldn't have class to worry about or finals. Then we worked back and realized, we need to get pregnant, like now to have a baby next summer!!
well last month nothing, then this month Marcus has been sick, so I'm thinking nothing again.....
So I was supposed to Start yesterday but nothing, and today I feel lots of cramps and pressure like I should start, but I keep thinking man I really wish I wouldn't start. A girl aways hates her period but I think when she wants to be pregnant it's so much worse!!!
I keep getting that hope, WHAT IF??? MAYBE??? then I think okay when would I be due and how would I tell Marcus! Girls are funny well at least I am, I don't even think I'm pregnant, but I hope so so much that I make myself believe I am. Then I get super disappointed when it isn't.
I really know Heavenly Father has a plan so I don't know why I ever make my own, because it's never the same!!! I thought I'd like to have a baby is June or July so I could train for a triathlon in August, I know it'd be hard but I wanted to do one next summer, and I can't imagine a 8 month pregnant lady doing it. oh well, I'm putting all my trust in Heavenly Father right now. I just pray well be able to have a baby and he or she'll be healthy! I pray I'll be a good mom, and we'll figure out a way I can be a mom and still have money to pay our bills. I hope Marcus will truly be excited when I tell him I am pregnant, it won't be super hard on him and he'll still get great grades.
So if I don't Start by Saturday I'm taking a test..... Last month I was 2 days late too so maybe off birth control I'm a 30 day cycle and not 28 like I used to be. who knows, we'll see. I'm just going to stay positive and enjoy this journey!
This will be my secert Journal of the start of our family!!
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